בס”ד
This blog is written as a summary of a class that was taught. It is highly recommended to watch the full class on YouTube.
“Is that what I’m supposed to do—just stick my fingers in my ears?”
I’ve come to realize that for my own mental health, I simply can’t engage in negative conversations about others. I prefer not to speak about people at all, especially not in a critical way. But I’ve also learned the hard way that saying this out loud— “I’d rather not talk negatively about people”—rarely lands well. Most of the time, people just assume you think you’re better than them. It’s explosive. It’s unpredictable. Unless the person I’m speaking to is working on the same values, it usually doesn’t end well.
So, what are you supposed to do?
I once heard something beautiful from the sages: G-d made our fingers long and thin so that we could stick them in our ears. Literally. That’s why we don’t have spoons or scissors or mini flashlights for fingers—we have these exact fingers to protect ourselves from hearing things we shouldn’t hear. And interestingly, every person’s finger fits perfectly in their own ear. Try it. It won’t fit someone else’s, but it will fit yours. A gentle reminder: maybe that’s what we’re supposed to do sometimes—block it out.
But realistically? It doesn’t work. If you visibly plug your ears or outright shut someone down, you just become the next subject of their gossip. I’ve tried all kinds of approaches, and over time, I’ve come to find something that does work most of the time: distraction.
Distraction, not confrontation
If someone starts speaking negatively and it seems clear they’re not doing it because they’re emotionally overwhelmed or need to unburden themselves, I gently shift the subject. I’ll compliment their necklace, ask where they got their hair done, or mention something personal to them. Nine times out of ten, they completely forget what they were saying and move on to talking about themselves. And honestly, the worst thing they’ll think is that I have ADHD—which, these days, is not exactly shocking.
In other cases, I’ll even pretend to answer my phone. Yes, it’s a bit awkward, but I remind myself: I do need to go. I need to go away from this negativity. And Jewish law actually permits lying to avoid hearing lashon hara (negative speech about others), because in this case, lying is a tool to protect what’s right.
Sometimes distraction works. Sometimes it doesn’t. And if it doesn’t, what then?
What to do when you can’t get out
If you didn’t come to this person specifically to hear gossip—and you’ve genuinely tried to avoid it—but the other person just won’t stop, there is a last-resort option: you’re allowed to listen, but you must actively combat the three dangers of hearing lashon hara:
- It changes your perception – Even if you say you don’t believe it, it seeps in.
- It encourages the speaker – Your nod, your smile, even your silence can be a green light.
- It entertains you – You’re finding pleasure in someone else’s pain.
So, how do you sit through it without falling into those traps?
- Fight the belief: Repeatedly think to yourself, “I don’t believe this.” Even if it sounds true, don’t let it in. It’s a mental muscle you have to develop.
- Stone face: No expression, no smiles, no encouragement. One great rabbi in Jerusalem even winces in visible pain when someone starts gossiping to him.
- Feel no joy: Remind yourself—this is someone being torn apart in front of you. Don’t take it lightly.
And how do you “not believe” something that sounds so believable?
It starts with realizing that most people are not accurate in what they say. Even the sincerest people exaggerate, misunderstand, and sometimes repeat stories they barely remember hearing. You’ve likely experienced this in your own life: being told something you later learned wasn’t true—or hearing only one side of a story, and then hearing the other side and realizing how different it all looks.
Even newspapers misquote. Even great rabbis misspeak. Even you and I don’t always get it right.
Judaism teaches that unless you personally witnessed the event—or have firsthand evidence—you are not allowed to believe negative information as fact. You can take precautions, of course. If someone is said to be dangerous, you don’t ignore it—you act as if it might be true, but you don’t believe it outright.
In Summary
- You’re not allowed to listen to lashon hara, even if you don’t believe it, because it affects your mind, encourages the speaker, and entertains you at someone else’s expense.
- The ideal response is to change the subject, preferably by redirecting the conversation toward the speaker in a kind and engaging way.
- If that doesn’t work, and you truly can’t escape the situation:
- Actively think “I don’t believe this.”
- Show zero encouragement.
- Feel no pleasure from hearing it.
- And most of all, remember: words are rarely as accurate as we think they are.
Protect your ears, protect your heart—and when you must listen, do so with extreme caution and kindness.
Talk from Rabbi Menachem Salasnik
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