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Why We Give Up on Growth (and How to Keep Going)

Have you ever decided to change something about yourself? Maybe you wanted to be less angry, to speak more kindly, to stop smoking, or to start a diet. For a day or two you feel strong. Then, within a week or a month, it all falls apart. And then a voice in your head says: “What’s the point? I will never be perfect.”

In Hebrew, this feeling is called yeush, which means despair or giving up hope. It is one of the main reasons people lose control of their speech. In fact, it is a problem in almost every area of personal growth.

The diamonds on the beach

Imagine you walk onto a beach and see that it is covered with beautiful diamonds. You start picking them up, full of excitement. Suddenly, a man behind you starts laughing. “Look at you!” he says. “Do you really think you can pick up all the diamonds on the beach?”

That sounds ridiculous. One diamond is already wonderful. Nobody would stop collecting just because they cannot collect them all.

Yet this is exactly what the voice inside us says about growth. We measure ourselves against perfection. We learn this when we are very young. At school, only the best mark counts. At home, a parent looks at a report card full of A’s and asks, “Why is there a B?” Slowly we start to believe: if I am not perfect, I am worthless.

We were not made to be angels

Growth is not about perfection. We were not created to be angels. Angels are made perfect, and they simply do what they are told. They do not have free choice.

We were given something more: the ability to rebel. Think about it. Every moment, G-d gives us the life force we need to live, to speak, to hear. That same life force is what we use when we choose to go against Him. It is an amazing gift. It also means that comparing ourselves to perfection makes no sense. It is like saying, “I cannot breathe underwater, so I am worthless.” But I am not a fish!

What does G-d want from us? Highly imperfect growth. This does not mean small steps that only go up. It can mean going up, then down, then even lower than where you started, and then up again. G-d understands this, because He did not make you an angel.

What is success?

Here is a simple definition. You are in a situation where you are struggling. For one moment, you win. That is success.

It does not matter if you fail a few minutes later. In that one moment, you fought your deepest nature and won. You picked up a diamond, and you keep that diamond forever. A later failure cannot take it away. Of course, we try harder next time. But we must see that moment for what it is: a great achievement.

Why winning is so hard

In Jewish tradition, a person who does a commandment they were told to do receives más reward than a person who does something they were not commanded to do. For example, Jewish men must sit in a sukkah (a hut) during the festival of Sukkot. Women are not required to, but many do. Both get credit, but the one who was commanded gets more.

This seems strange. Surely, doing something freely is better? But think about when you were a teenager. You planned to surprise your mother by cleaning the kitchen. Then, before you could start, she asked you to do it. Suddenly it felt much harder. Why? Because we all have a deep wish to be independent. When someone tells us what to do, a part of us pushes back.

People who convert to Judaism often say the same thing. Before, keeping the laws was easy because they chose it. After, it became a struggle because now they debe. So when you overcome that urge to rebel, even for one moment, that is a big deal. Be proud of it.

Two tools for growth

1. Order (seder). The great teachers of Jewish ethics say that order is the first thing we need for growth. Without a tidy life and a clear schedule, it is hard to make real progress. (The speaker admits this is a struggle for him too, and that he has a very organized wife to thank!)

2. Celebration (siyum). A siyum is a celebration for finishing something. Just recently, Jews around the world finished the yearly reading of the Torah. They danced with it, and then started again right away. We should celebrate small steps in the same way.

Here is a small challenge. Tomorrow, when you feel the urge to say something unkind about someone, hold back for just a few seconds. Even if you speak afterwards, those seconds count. Then reward yourself with something you enjoy: a treat, a drink, a piece of chocolate. Imagine you just picked up a huge diamond. If you won the lottery, you would celebrate! We are so quick to put ourselves down and so slow to celebrate our wins.

You need a friend

Nuestros sabios enseñan: “Find yourself a friend.” This does not mean life is sad without friends. It means that without someone to celebrate your growth, you will not grow.

But the right friend does two things:

A friend who only pushes will burn you out. A friend who only praises will let you stay comfortable. You need both.

There is a famous story about Rabbi Yochanan. After his study partner and brother-in-law, Reish Lakish, passed away, he found a new partner. But this new partner agreed with everything he said. Rabbi Yochanan became upset. “My old friend always challenged me,” he said. “He asked, ‘But what about this?’ and that made me grow.”

The speaker has his own story. He was an optometrist, not a teacher. A close friend told him, “You need to do this. It is a real problem for you.” They studied together for two years, and then the friend pushed him to start writing and teaching. Without that friend, he would still be testing eyes.

Where is your book?

One more story. The great rabbi known as the Netziv (Rabbi Naftali Zvi Yehuda Berlin) lived about 150 years ago. As a boy, he could not study. One night, he heard his mother crying downstairs. She was saying that they might have to send him away to learn a trade. Her tears touched him, and he began to work very hard.

Later, at a celebration for one of his books, he said something surprising. He could have become a blacksmith. He could have been a good, honest man. But when he arrived in heaven, he would have been asked: “Where is the book?” And he would have said, “What book? I am a blacksmith. I do not write books.” But the book was what he was meant to write.

We will all be asked something like this one day. This world is just a tiny moment in our long life, but it is the world where we can rebel and the world where we can choose to grow. Maybe your “book” is really a book. Maybe it is an organization you can start. Maybe it is a better relationship with someone. Heaven will ask: “Where is the relationship you were supposed to build?”

So, pick up your diamond. Celebrate it. Find a friend. And take the next step.

Charla del rabino Menachem Salasnik


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