בס”ד
Pirkei Avot 1:5
Yosi ben Yochanan of Jerusalem says:
Let your house be wide open, and let the poor be members of your household. Do not engage in excessive conversation with a woman.
They said this regarding one’s own wife; all the more so regarding another man’s wife.
From here, the Sages taught: Whenever a man engages in excessive conversation with a woman, he brings harm upon himself, neglects the words of Torah, and ultimately inherits Gehinnom.
What Does This Teach Us?
Last time, Yose ben Yoezer taught us to invite sages into our home. Now his partner, Yose ben Yochanan, shows another way to use our home: for kindness. This Mishnah has three short teachings.
“Let your house be open wide”
Bartenura says this is like the home of Avraham, which was open to all four directions, so guests did not need to search for the entrance.[1] Rashi explains it the same way: open to all four winds, so that passersby can walk in. He also gives two examples. Yoav’s house is called “in the wilderness”, which means it was open on all sides like the wilderness. And Job said that he never ate his bread alone.[2]
The Rambam adds a practical detail: the gate should be open to the road, so that anyone who is hungry, thirsty or in need can come in right away.[3]
It is wonderful to show hospitality to as many people as possible. We all know that this also takes a lot of work and practical preparation: shopping for food, cooking the meals, tidying up and cleaning. Even today, a large part of these tasks often falls to the wife. And then the Mishnah says: do not talk too much with your wife. How is that possible? That does not sound very kind.
“And do not converse excessively with women”
Does the Mishnah really say that a man should not talk with his wife? Of course not! The Sages speak about women with great respect. They teach that a husband must honor his wife and listen to her advice. Avraham was even commanded by G-d to do this, when it came to sending Ishmael away (Genesis 21:12). Right after the lesson about kindness and hospitality, which depend so much on the wife, the Mishnah cannot mean to put her down.[4]
According to Rav Hirsch, the Mishnah speaks about idle talk and gossip, not serious conversation. A man who truly respects his wife has more to share with her than small talk. He will talk with her about the important things in life and value her opinion.[4]
Serious does not mean humorless. A warm, joyful atmosphere with laughter is part of a welcoming home. The line is drawn at humor that puts others down, or at talk that becomes idle and gossipy
In the previous Mishnah, Yose ben Yoezer taught us to host only Torah scholars, and that is a safe choice. Yose ben Yochanan teaches us to welcome everyone, and not every guest is equally refined. So how do we keep an open home that is also a respectful home? By setting the tone as the host. When he himself keeps his conversation at home serious and not excessive, the guests feel that this is a house where people treat each other with respect.[5] The Mishnah says “even about one’s own wife”, and so it is even more important with someone else’s.
A Noahide Perspective
For Noahides, this Mishnah holds an important lesson: setting a good example for our guests. Noahides usually receive few other Noahides at home. So they mostly meet guests with a different religious background and different values. If we read this Mishnah separately from the previous one about Torah study, we see that we do not need to speak directly about Torah with our guests. In most cases people do not appreciate that, and it has the opposite effect. But the Mishnah does show how important it is to set a good example.
Say the brachot (blessings) over your food in your own home. Talk about decent and serious subjects. Speak about others with respect. Also take a look around your own home. Does it reflect a life based on the Torah, or are there objects that do not fit? Think of a Buddha statue, for example, which people sometimes put out as decoration without any special meaning. It is better not to have such objects in your home.
It also means that a husband speaks to his wife with respect, and the other way around. No jokes at the other’s expense. No orders like “go get some coffee”. And if you do not use frivolous language with your own wife, then certainly not with the women who come to your home as guests.
This brings us to a form of tsniut for Noahides. Tsniut means modesty or humility in behavior. It is not only about clothing, but also about the way we treat each other.
Modesty in Practice
How far should a Noahide go in this? Should you stop shaking hands completely, or stop having friendships with the other gender? That is not what the Torah asks of Noahides. There is, however, a clear difference between what is required and what is an extra step of piety.[6]
Shaking hands. If it is the custom in a society for men and women to shake hands as a greeting, this is not forbidden for non-Jews under the basic law. Anyone may choose to be stricter.[7]
Caution. Extra caution is mainly advised in dealing with women with whom a man may not have a relationship under the Noahide laws, first of all a woman who is married to another man. This explicitly does not mean that friendships between men and women should be avoided.[8]
No touching. A Noahide who chooses to have no physical contact at all with the other gender (shomer negiah) may do so as a pious choice.[9]
A pious choice, not an obligation. Modesty belongs to morality and piety, and goes beyond the letter of the law. The most important thing for a Noahide remains keeping the seven commandments.[10]
So Noahides do not need to follow the same rules as Orthodox Jews, but modesty and respectful treatment of each other are a beautiful way to serve G-d.
From Sinai to Everyday Life
This Mishnah teaches us that our home can be more than a place to live. It can be a place where others feel welcome and where they see something of the Torah without us having to say much about it. For a Noahide, this starts with small things: an open door, a blessing before eating, kind and respectful words.
In this way, an ordinary living room can become a small place of Torah, where we treat people with respect and where guests feel that this is a home where G-d has a place in daily life.
Angelique Sijbolts
With thanks to Rabbi Tani Burton for the feedback
Sources
[1] Bartenura on Pirkei Avot 1:5.
[2] Rashi on Pirkei Avot 1:5, referring to 1 Kings 2:34 and Job 31:17.
[3] Rambam on Pirkei Avot 1:5.
[4] Rav Samson Raphael Hirsch, Pirkei Avot, pp. 15–16.
[5] Pirkei Avot — The ArtScroll Mesorah Series, p. 10.
[6] AskNoah Q&A Forum, Ask The Academy Rabbis, Intimate Relations, thread “Male/female shaking hands, friendshiips, etc.” (the title is spelled like this on the site). Links: https://www.asknoah.org/forum/showthread.php?tid=256 (page 1) and https://www.asknoah.org/forum/showthread.php?tid=256&page=2 (page 2).
[7] AskNoah, same thread, page 1: answer by Director Michael of 28 April 2009 (post #3), in which he passes on the answers of Rabbi Moshe Weiner, author of The Divine Code, and his clarification of 1 May 2009 (post #5).
[8] AskNoah, same thread, page 2: answer by Director Michael of 20 April 2013 (post #11).
[9] AskNoah, same thread, page 2: answer by Director Michael of 12 November 2015 (post #15), in reply to the question about shomer negiah (post #14).
[10] AskNoah, same thread, page 2: answer by Director Michael of 1 June 2016 (post #17).
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