בס”ד

This blog is written as a summary of a class that was taught. It is highly recommended to watch the full class on YouTube.

Lashon Hara, Pride, and the Hidden Pain of Low Self-Esteem

Why do we speak negatively about others? According to Jewish wisdom, the answer may have less to do with the person we’re talking about—and far more to do with how we feel about ourselves.

The Hidden Root of Lashon Hara

When we think of arrogance, we usually imagine someone who believes they are better than everyone else.

But what if arrogance is often the exact opposite?

What if the need to put others down comes not from genuine confidence, but from a deep sense of insecurity?

In our generation, one of the greatest causes of lashon hara—speaking negatively about others—is low self-esteem.

When we feel inadequate, we often try to elevate ourselves by diminishing someone else. By pushing another person down in the eyes of the community, we create the illusion that we have risen.

This is not true confidence. It is projected confidence—an attempt to cover a painful sense of worthlessness.

In Hebrew, the word for pride or arrogance is ga’avah (גאווה). Yet what often appears to be ga’avah is, in reality, a desperate search for validation.

The Purim Story Through the Lens of Self-Worth

One of the most powerful examples of this dynamic appears in the story of Purim.

The Book of Esther takes place during the Persian Empire, after the destruction of the First Temple. The Jewish people are scattered throughout the kingdom ruled by King Ahasuerus, who appoints Haman as his chief advisor.

Haman is remembered as one of the greatest villains in Jewish history. Yet beneath his hatred lies a profound psychological truth.

At first glance, Haman seems to have everything.

He is wealthy, powerful, influential, and respected. He enjoys the highest position in the empire, second only to the king himself.

Wherever he goes, people bow down before him.

Everyone bows—except one man.

Mordechai.

And that single refusal destroys him.

Five Words That Reveal Everything

After being invited to a private banquet with the king and queen, Haman leaves the palace “joyful and glad of heart.”

He is living a dream.

Yet the moment he sees Mordechai refusing to bow, his joy evaporates.

Later, Haman gathers his wife and closest friends and begins listing his accomplishments.

He speaks about:

At first glance, this seems strange.

His wife already knows these things.

His friends already know these things.

Why does he feel the need to repeat them?

Because Haman is searching for external validation.

Then he utters five devastating words:

“Yet all this is worth nothing to me whenever I see Mordechai the Jew sitting at the king’s gate.”

Think about what that means.

Millions honour him.

One man refuses.

And suddenly, everything else loses its value.

That is not confidence.

That is low self-esteem.

The Addiction to Validation

People who struggle with low self-esteem often depend on external approval to feel worthy.

They need others to tell them:

For a brief moment, these messages provide relief.

But the relief never lasts.

Validation functions like a drug: its effects fade quickly, requiring ever-increasing doses.

Another compliment.

Another achievement.

Another promotion.

Another social media post.

Another round of applause.

The problem is that external praise cannot heal an internal wound.

If someone secretly believes they are worthless, then no amount of admiration will ever be enough.

Yet a single criticism can undo everything.

Why?

Because criticism resonates with the painful story they already tell themselves.

Social Media and the Search for Worth

This dynamic is everywhere in modern life.

Someone spends twenty minutes taking the perfect photo.

They adjust the lighting.

They change the angle.

They edit the image.

Finally, they post it online.

Then they wait.

The first notification appears.

Someone liked the photo.

Instant relief.

For a moment, they feel valuable.

For a moment, they feel enough.

But what happens when one negative comment appears?

Suddenly, hundreds of positive reactions fade into the background.

The mind fixates on the criticism.

Not because it is objectively more important, but because it confirms an existing fear.

The compliment feels temporary.

The criticism feels true.

Why We Speak Badly About Others

Most of the time, we do not speak negatively about others because they threaten us.

We do it because they threaten the fragile story we tell ourselves about who we are.

Someone else’s success reminds us of our insecurities.

Someone else’s confidence exposes our self-doubt.

Someone else’s recognition confronts us with our fear of being insignificant.

And so we attempt to pull them down.

If they become smaller, perhaps we can feel bigger.

But the relief never lasts.

Because the real problem was never the other person.

The problem lies within us.

Finding the Haman Within

The purpose of the Tanakh is not simply to tell stories about historical figures.

It is meant to teach us something about ourselves.

Every character acts as a mirror.

Haman is not included in the story merely to show us evil.

He is there to help us recognise the part of ourselves that seeks validation, craves recognition, and fears rejection.

Most of us are not Haman.

Yet many of us understand what it feels like to rely too heavily on the approval of others.

We know what it feels like to compare ourselves.

We know what it feels like to seek affirmation.

We know what it feels like to be deeply wounded by criticism.

The challenge is not to condemn ourselves for these feelings.

The challenge is to recognise them honestly.

Because only when we understand the pain beneath lashon hara can we begin to heal it.

The Opposite of Pride

The opposite of destructive pride is not self-hatred.

It is healthy humility.

True humility is not thinking less of yourself.

It is knowing your worth without needing to prove it.

It is understanding that your value does not depend on status, achievement, applause, compliments, followers, or comparison.

When we no longer need others to make us feel worthy, we no longer need to diminish them.

And that is where healing begins.

Key Terms

True self-worth does not require us to stand above others.

It allows us to stand alongside them.

Talk from Rabbi Menachem Salasnik


© Copyright, all rights reserved. If you enjoyed this article, we encourage you to distribute it further.

Our blogs may contain text/quotes/references/links that include copyright material of Mechon-Mamre.org, Aish.com, Sefaria.org, Chabad.org, and/or AskNoah.org, which we use in accordance with their policies.