בס”ד
Responsible Speech: When and How?
Speaking about others—especially in a negative light—is a sensitive subject. Under normal circumstances, slander (Lashon Hara) is prohibited, as stated in Leviticus 19:16:
“Lo telech rachil be’amecha” – “Do not go about as a gossipmonger among your people.”
However, remaining silent can sometimes be just as harmful. The very same verse continues:
“Lo ta’amod al dam re’echa” – “Do not stand idly by while your neighbor’s blood is shed.”
This teaches us that while gossip is forbidden, there are times when speaking up is necessary to prevent harm or rectify injustice. This concept is known in Hebrew as “toeles” (לתועלת)—speaking with a constructive purpose.
When Is Speaking Allowed or Even Required?
There are three common situations in which speaking about someone is not only permitted but sometimes obligatory:
1. Protecting the Listener
Speaking up may be necessary to warn or protect someone from harm:
- Restoring loss: If someone witnesses a hit-and-run accident, they are allowed to share the perpetrator’s name to help the victim.
- Warning against danger: If you know that a business partner has previously committed fraud, you are required to inform a potential new partner.
- Protecting in relationships: If you are aware that someone has a history of abusive or manipulative behavior in relationships, you must warn a potential partner.
2. Protecting Yourself
At times, speaking about negative experiences is necessary for personal well-being:
- Therapy and counseling: People often discuss past negative encounters in therapy to process trauma and heal.
- Workplace issues: Discussing professional difficulties with a mentor or advisor can help find a resolution.
However, the intention must always be constructive rather than simply venting frustration or damaging someone’s reputation.
3. Protecting the Person Being Discussed
Sometimes, speaking about someone can be crucial for their own well-being:
- Addiction and harmful behavior: If someone is harming themselves through drug use or a destructive relationship, seeking help from a trusted authority may be necessary.
- Mental health concerns: If someone is struggling with mental health issues and needs support, informing a mentor or therapist could be essential.
The Seven Conditions for Constructive Speech
To ensure that speech remains ethical and does not spiral into unnecessary harm, Rabbi Yisrael Meir Kagan, in his book Chafetz Chaim (חפץ חיים), established seven conditions for speaking about others.
1. Be Certain of the Facts
You must have firsthand knowledge of the situation or receive information from a truly reliable source.
Information often gets distorted through the “broken telephone effect,” where stories change slightly with each retelling. If you are trying to help someone recover a loss (e.g., damage to their car), you must be certain the event happened. However, if you are warning someone about a potential danger, it is acceptable to say, “I did not witness this firsthand, but I heard it from someone else.”
2. Understand What You See
It is not enough to witness an event; you must understand what actually happened.
For example, if you see a man climbing a ladder and entering a house through a window, you should call the police as he might be a burglar. However, to then label him as a burglar and tell people to stay away from him based on what you saw – what if he was simply helping a friend who had locked themselves out?
A classic example comes from an old Guardian newspaper advertisement: A man appears to be pushing an elderly woman violently, but when the camera zooms out, we see he was actually saving her from falling debris. Before labeling someone negatively, you must be sure you fully grasp the situation.
3. Confront the Person First (If Possible)
If the issue concerns a past mistake, you should first approach the individual directly.
For example, if you know someone caused damage to a car, give them the opportunity to take responsibility before spreading the information.
However, this does not apply when warning about future harm. If someone is a genuine threat, confronting them may only teach them to be more discreet in their harmful behavior. In such cases, immediate action is necessary.
4. Speak Truthfully Without Exaggeration
It is easy to exaggerate when telling a story, but when speaking about someone, accuracy is essential.
For example, if someone stole $1,000, do not say, “They steal all the time” or “They have stolen thousands.” Stick to the facts. Similarly, do not assume motives, such as saying, “He did it because he is a bad person.” Focus only on what you know to be true.
5. Have Pure Intentions
Your primary motivation for speaking must be to help, not to harm out of anger or revenge.
This can be challenging because we often know negative information about someone because we have been personally affected. However, if your goal is primarily emotional retaliation rather than protection, it is not justified.
For instance, a man whose wife received her wig back damaged from a hairdresser wanted to warn the entire community. Was he doing so out of genuine concern for others, or simply because he was upset? A woman who discovered her ex-boyfriend had been seeing another woman for three years overlapping with her relationship. She wanted to warn the other girlfriend. Was her goal to protect the other woman, or was it mainly revenge?
While it is human to feel anger, the primary motivation for speaking must always be to prevent harm, not to inflict it.
6. Seek an Alternative Solution
Before speaking negatively, consider if there is another way to achieve the same result without speaking badly, or minimizing the amount spoken, about the person.
- Can you give a general warning without mentioning names?
- Can you tell only one or two people instead of a whole group?
- Can you share the information with someone unrelated to the person involved who will not know who is being spoken about?
If an option that minimizes the Lashon Hara exists, you must take that route.
7. Ensure the Consequences Are Proportional
The impact of your words should not be overly severe compared to the person’s wrongdoing.
For example, imagine a country where stealing twice results in losing a hand. Most legal systems would consider this punishment excessively harsh.
Similarly, publicly shaming someone for a minor mistake can cause irreparable harm. Before speaking, ask yourself: Will the consequences of my words be far worse than the actual wrongdoing? If so, it is better to remain silent or find a different way to address the issue.
Summary of the Seven Conditions
- Be Certain of the Facts – Have you seen it firsthand or confirmed it is true?
- Understand What You See – Do you have the full picture?
- Confront the Person First (If Possible) – Have you given them a chance to correct the mistake?
- Speak Truthfully Without Exaggeration – No lies, no exaggeration, no unnecessary assumptions.
- Have Pure Intentions – Are you speaking to protect or to retaliate?
- Seek an Alternative Solution – Can you achieve your goal with less Lashon Hara?
- Ensure the Consequences Are Proportional – Will your words cause disproportionate damage?
By following these guidelines, we can ensure that our speech remains ethical and responsible. When we speak with the right purpose, without exaggeration, and with pure intentions, our words can serve as a force for protection and justice within the community.
Talk from Rabbi Menachem Salasnik
The above is a representation of the spoken text converted to written text.
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