GIVING CRITICISM, RECEIVING CRITICISM

בס”ד

A THOUGHT ABOUT PARSHAT DEVARIM 5784

This week’s parsha begins with the following words in Deuteronomy 1

1 These are the words which Moses spoke unto all Israel beyond the Jordan; in the wilderness, in the Arabah, over against Suph, between Paran and Tophel, and Laban, and Hazeroth, and Di-zahab.

א אֵלֶּה הַדְּבָרִים, אֲשֶׁר דִּבֶּר מֹשֶׁה אֶל-כָּל-יִשְׂרָאֵל, בְּעֵבֶר, הַיַּרְדֵּן: בַּמִּדְבָּר בָּעֲרָבָה מוֹל סוּף בֵּין-פָּארָן וּבֵין-תֹּפֶל, וְלָבָן וַחֲצֵרֹת–וְדִי זָהָב.

It would have sufficed if Moses had simply stated “the words of Moses.” Why include this list of place names? Some of these names seem familiar, while others are obscure. For instance, “Tophel” does not appear elsewhere in the Tanakh. As we continue, we find a summary of the Israelites’ experiences over the past 40 years, including their misdeeds, and Moses urges them to serve the Eternal and take His Torah seriously.

The Purpose of Criticism

In the beginning of Deuteronomy, we see Moses reproaching the people for their behavior, their complaints about food, and their reluctance to enter the land. These criticisms are not detailed; a brief mention is sufficient. The specific events at these places were relevant to the people of that time, but the lessons we can draw are universal.

Why does Moses choose to criticize the people just before his death?

When someone is about to die, their final words often carry more weight and are better remembered. Moses uses this moment to warn and exhort the people: listen to the Eternal, your G-d!

In Deuteronomy 1 verse 11, we read the following:

11 The L-RD, the G-d of your fathers, make you a thousand times so many more as ye are, and bless you, as He hath promised you!–

יא ד’ אֱלֹקי אֲבוֹתֵכֶם, יֹסֵף עֲלֵיכֶם כָּכֶם–אֶלֶף פְּעָמִים; וִיבָרֵךְ אֶתְכֶם, כַּאֲשֶׁר דִּבֶּר לָכֶם.

Why does Moses add the words “just like you” to his blessing for the people to increase in number?

Rabbi Leibel Eger explains that although Moses rebuked the people, he wanted to ensure they did not feel disheartened or discouraged. Therefore, he emphasized that he did not view them as bad, but rather hoped there would be many more like them.

How to Give Effective Criticism

What we can learn from Moses is that criticism should always aim to promote positive change, not to elevate oneself. When giving criticism, it is important to:

Be Direct and Personal: Address the criticism in a direct and personal manner.
Avoid Condemnation: Do not judge the person.
Highlight Positives: Find something positive to praise.
Show Negative Consequences: Gently show the person the negative outcomes of their behavior.
Explain the Benefits of Change: Outline the advantages of changing their actions.

This approach helps to open the recipient’s heart, as everyone naturally resists criticism. Even when we know change will benefit us, there is often initial resistance. This resistance stems from our “yetzer hara” (evil inclination) which prevents us from listening and reflecting.

The Right Attitude Towards Receiving Criticism

The proper attitude when receiving criticism is to take time to reflect on your behavior. This is what Moses does by reviewing the past and comparing it with the Eternal’s commandments. We should do the same: reflect on the situation, compare it with the Eternal’s commandments, and assess whether we made the right choices. The Torah teaches us to reflect in this way, which is the only way to see our mistakes and enable change.

Connecting with the Truth

Wrong behavior often stems from living unconsciously in a lie. We convince ourselves that certain wrong actions bring us something positive (often in the short term), which increases the wrong behavior. Reflecting on criticism should lead us to reconnect with the truth. When we recognize the truth and the positive outcomes of change, the change is effectively underway.

Practical Example: Theft

Criticizer: “You should not take a pencil from work.” Recipient of Criticism: “That’s nonsense, the boss buys them in bulk and everyone takes them home.” (You believe your own excuse.)

The right approach is:

Listen to the criticism.
Take time to reflect (Is taking a pencil prohibited?).
What does the Torah teach (prohibition of theft, respect for others’ property)?
Is taking a pencil a form of disrespect for the employer?
Would you feel uncomfortable if the employer saw or knew?
Conclusion: Taking a pencil is theft and is forbidden by the Eternal to create a healthy society. (You recognize the truth in the criticism.)
Next time, the pencil will remain at work.

This process of receiving criticism and reflecting is about recognizing that the Eternal’s commandments are applicable in every situation. By adhering to these commandments in daily life, we make all our actions honor the Eternal and allow our souls to develop to a higher level. Everything we do should be to glorify the Eternal and live in a way that pleases Him.

When each of us works on improving our own character traits, the repair of the world, Tikkun Olam, will naturally follow. In other words, creating a better world begins with improving oneself.

By Angelique Sijbolts
With Thanks to Rabbi Tuni Burton for his feedback

Sources

Aish Article: The Right Rebuke
Reflections
by Rabbi Yehoshua Berman