בס”ד
A THOUGHT ABOUT PARSHAT NIZTAVIM-VAYEILECH 5784
In this blog, we focus on Deuteronomium 31:18, which says:
| 18 And I will surely hide My face in that day for all the evil which they shall have wrought, in that they are turned unto other gods. | יח וְאָנֹכִי, הַסְתֵּר אַסְתִּיר פָּנַי בַּיּוֹם הַהוּא, עַל כָּל-הָרָעָה, אֲשֶׁר עָשָׂה: כִּי פָנָה, אֶל-אֱלֹהִים אֲחֵרִים. |
In Hebrew, the word “hide” is used twice. G-d conceals not only His face but also the fact that it is concealed. These concealments should make us fearful. When does this occur?
Incomplete Repentance and Its Consequences
Looking at this passage, we see that the people are experiencing difficulties because of their sin of seeking foreign gods. They are willing to say “sorry” to G-d, but not from the heart, because they want G-d to return so that the difficulties will cease. There is repentance, but it is incomplete. There is repentance for the past, but no realization that one’s behavior in the future needs to change and improve.
The difficulties persist because the repentance is incomplete. After all, the sufferings G-d gives are meant to convert a person entirely to Him, not just partially. If a person does not recognize that his repentance is incomplete and that his difficulties continue, he may believe that repentance is pointless. A person may also believe that he has committed such a grave sin that G-d will not forgive him, leading him to think that repentance is futile.
The Role of Fear in Repentance
According to the sages, the idea that repentance is pointless is a tool of the evil inclination to prevent a person from expressing regret and seeking atonement. The paralyzing shame is more harmful to the person than the sin itself. The fear that G-d does not forgive can be crippling, but fear should be used as a starting point, as we read in Proverbs 9:10:
| 10 The fear of the L-RD is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the All-holy is understanding. | י תְּחִלַּת חָכְמָה, יִרְאַת יד’; וְדַעַת קְדֹשִׁים בִּינָה. |
G-d hears and sees everything, and He punishes where necessary to bring a person back. The fear that this might instill in us is beneficial since it motivates us to act more quickly than love, as fear is a negative emotion. We know what G-d wants us to do, but because love does not provoke an unpleasant emotion, it makes us more likely to delay fulfilling obligations until “tomorrow.”
Personal Reflection and Understanding
Because fear is the beginning of knowledge, the beginning of active change, the Jewish New Year begins with the Days of Awe, with an emphasis on asking for forgiveness, just as it does in the month of Elul.
I grew up in a religious system that taught there was no need to fear G-d because G-d was only love. “The fear of the L-RD is the beginning of wisdom” was difficult for me to grasp. Fear – I desired to have no fear of G-d, only awe. Why, to obtain wisdom? I perceived love as a higher step than fear, and thus I skipped it.
A Personal Test: Learning the Hard Way
Until last week.
Of course, I am aware that I should not worship idols. Of course, I know not to assist idolaters in their worship. Without a doubt…
But knowledge and making the right decisions at the right moment are not the same thing.
I had been leading singing services in a messianic congregation for many years. For those services, I bought the best, largest, and thus most expensive iPad available at the time. An iPad that ended up in a drawer when I left the messianic church and was never used again.
Last week, I ran into an old acquaintance from the messianic congregation. We had a good chat, and because we were in the music group together – and enjoyed making music together – the conversation led to the iPad. It was a shame that it had been put in a drawer for a few years, unused. This led to the question of whether the iPad could be purchased.
I discovered that the iPad was still worth a lot of money and that I could buy good books with that money. So, I didn’t have to think long before deciding to sell the iPad. If only I had thought it over a bit more!
The Revelation and Its Consequences
That thought struck me the next day with a jolt: the iPad would be used for the singing services in the Messianic congregation. Not as a possibility, but as a certainty.
I now understood what “fear” truly meant. My heart sank. How could I have been so foolish? Had the money blinded me? Had the pleasant conversation and the warm memories clouded my judgment? Why hadn’t G-d forewarned me? Why had He hidden Himself?
But then, I began to grasp something deeper: G-d hides Himself for a purpose, to grant us the gift of free will. If His Presence were fully revealed, our choices wouldn’t truly be our own. There would be no struggle, no test—because the right path would be obvious. G-d desires that we choose to do mitzvot out of genuine intention, not because His presence leaves no other option.
I was given a test… and I failed it. But now I understand—He wasn’t absent. He was giving me the opportunity to grow through the act of choosing, even when I couldn’t feel Him near.
Then came the panic. Not out of fear of punishment or worry that my relationship with G-d was damaged, but sheer panic about how to make it right. How do you fix this? I couldn’t go back and undo the deal.
Making Amends
Fortunately, my Rabbi was able to provide me with some guidance. Donate twice as much to an anti-missionary organization. That was painful as it would cost me a lot of money and would spark a lot of debate at home if I gave away so much. But I quickly realized that this was the only way to set things right. Then there was the question of whether the iPad still worked, and thus whether the songs were still on it, and so on. Fortunately, that was not the case; I had returned it to its factory settings. So, I hadn’t sold “idolatry,” but rather “only” an old iPad. Then it was acceptable to simply transfer that amount to an anti-missionary organization.
That’s exactly what I did. I corrected my previous error. Additionally, I had to confess to G-d that I made a mistake, which I did with the “Prayer for Repentance.“
This prayer is always fitting when seeking G-d’s forgiveness and can also be used during the Days of Awe to express your remorse to G-d.
I prefer not to include too much personal information in my blogs, but in this instance, I felt it was a poignant example of G-d hiding His face. Without such concealment, a test would be impossible. It also illustrates how one might correct a mistake.
I hope that others can benefit from this reflection. Personally, I have learned a valuable lesson and hope to avoid repeating this mistake in the future.
By Angelique Sijbolts
With Thanks to Rabbi Tani Burton
With Thanks to B. Yaniger for the inspiration
Sources:
AksNoah article: What prayers are appropriate for repentance by individuals?
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